she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
