Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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