Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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