He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
