you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
false alarm, still single
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
