She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
