Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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