hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
