All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
