i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
