I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize