I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My balls are so social today.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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