when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
