I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
