Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
