remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
