one two three fourrrrnication!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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