ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
