Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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