it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
