I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
