If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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