Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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