There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
