It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Two words: blizzard sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
