I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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