Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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