Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
birth control should be required to get into college
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
