is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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