I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
