my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
