so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's paper in my vomit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
