There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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