I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
