he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
