Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
