I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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