this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
