I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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