We won't sleep together?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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