Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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