My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
