Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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