you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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