I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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