: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
