True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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