Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
