There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Randomize
