Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
