ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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