K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
