I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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