The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
