4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
