Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
