Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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