Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
