I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
