i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
