Sry I called you an 8
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
