my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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