The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
