So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
