Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
