My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
