I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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