I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize